Vulture’s 2023 Gift Guide for Kids

Photo-Illustration: Vulture ; Photo: Paramount Pictures

Let’s face it: a gift for a child is as much a gift (or curse) for the parents. We here at Vulture are well aware of the perils of flashing lights and sound effects that are a delight on Christmas morning but soon make us want to stab out our eardrums Thanksgiving style. Some of us are parents, some of us are aunts and uncles, some of us still have the sensibility of a child (and some of us are all three). Here, we round up our favorite gifts for the cool babies and kids in our lives. No assembly required.

Onesies

Whether they’re the heir to Boss Baby residuals or just your DVD collection, every nepo baby deserves to brag about their A-list status. —Emily Palmer Heller

Most of the time babies aren’t welcome in a movie theater, but who can complain when they’re wearing this onesie that celebrates two of humanity’s greatest joys: the magic of cinema and Nicole Kidman? —EPH

These onesies from beloved satire site Clickhole will ensure your child knows about irony from a young age, which is essential for growing up on the internet. (I’m particularly partial to “I am 11 years old,” but “You don’t need teeth to sip wine!” is another highlight.) —EPH

Stuffed Animals and Action Figures

Bonus points if you play Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross’s incredible score while your kids are playing with these action figures from this summer’s delightful new take on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or, as Ayo Edebiri as April O’Neil calls them, Turtle Mutant Karate Teens.) —EPH

Robin is absolutely my favorite muppet, and throughout my entire life, I have been in a drought for Robin merch. He’s so cute and sees the joy and the wonder of the Muppets crew (not to mention he also reminded everyone to celebrate Jim Henson’s life after his death in the memorial special). Thankfully, you can pay tribute to everyone’s favorite frog’s nephew in this cute Funko Pop set with Kermit and Robin as Bob Scratchit and Tiny Tim. He’s so little and will be displayed year round in my household. —Alejandra Gularte

Generate some intergenerational bonding with this beloved mascot of the ’90s mashed up with a beloved mascot of the 2020s. —EPH

Even more than My Neighbor Totoro, Ponyo is the best Miyazaki movie for little kids because it’s visually stunning and the titular main character is a little kid (er, goldfish) herself. She’s cute, she’s funny, and she’s also a holy terror. You know, like a toddler. So grab a Ponyo stuffed toy and be prepared to hear a little kid screaming “PONYO LOVES HAM!” —James Grebey

If you’re planning to bring a Nerf ~~gun~~ blaster into your home this holiday season, might as well make it one shaped like Minecraft’s ender dragon that fires foam darts from its mouth and carries extra projectiles under its wings. Right? —Neil Janowitz

Books and Games

Super Mario Bros. Wonder follows in the (relatively) new Nintendo tradition of including a character that can’t take damage. It’s a great way to let kids feel like they’re not playing in “baby mode” while kinda playing in “baby mode.” —EPH

Last year I got Squishmallows Monopoly, which absolutely changed our game night. It’s objectively hilarious reading cards featuring Archie the Axolotl. Now, Squishmallows gets a little darker with Squishmallows Clue — don’t worry, there is no murder involved. Winston the Owl’s mac and cheese went missing, and the other Squishmallows have to figure out who did it Clue style. It’s a great way to get kids excited about board games with a cute twist. Plus it’s new for the holiday season, so it’ll be a great addition to any Squish fans collection. —AG

Children’s book author Dav Pilkey would go on to create hits like Captain Underpants and Dog Man, but for my money his best work are these two early books that make pet parodies out of King Kong and Godzilla. Pilkey took pictures of his own cat, dog, and rats and painted kaiju scenery around them, resulting in a silly, pun-filled spin on a couple of giant monster classics. —JG